Not So Sweet and Downlow
My life has morphed into the Sex in the City
episode that never was. In the latest turn of events, Mr. Big's
sexuality is in a high state of doubt.
This is a twist that me in all my fabulousness didn't see coming. It was one of those associations where someone's behavior never matched what they said. I think everyone has experienced that and usually you find it's because that person is into someone else. All's fair in love and dating, right?
The whole thing started when my good friend, Terrance Dean, who coincidentally authored Hiding in Hip Hop, an expose about the downlow life wrapped in the hyper masculinity of the rap world, called me. We were talking about someone he knows who is in his late 40s, attractive, well educated with a good job who stays single. Never been married, and has no kids. Nothing. He routinely explained away his status by stating he was picky when it came to women. Turns out he's gay.
That piqued my interest because it was a refrain I'd heard before from my Mr. Big. Now, for those of you who know me, and those who don't, I love tall men. I mean I am a runway model-type myself, so it's only befitting that I date someone who is taller. Mr. Big is above average height, very attractive, with his own house, car, a top position, and no kids. Surely these are all the trappings to make a good husband, so he has a right to be picky. And clearly, the same soon-to-be 38-year-old, Caribbean man who can't find one woman to be in a relationship with in the whole Tri-State Area where the ratio of men to women favors men is the textbook definition of picky. Terrance countered that no man who actually wants a woman is THAT picky. *chuckle*
I sat in the reclined chair and played everything back. Could Terrance be right? I mean, can my Mr. Big possibly, maybe, somehow be gay?
There were a lot of small things. Mr. Big's personally designed house is fly and meticulously decorated the same way. His clothes are fly. His nails are immaculate. I am talking about better than mine immaculate. His life is compartmentalized. Everything and everyone has their place and none of the two shall meet. He is always with a guy or going to meet a guy. He has face soap and shower puffs and girly hair cream. All of those facts added up to put him in the suspect but not flaming category. Maybe Mr. Big is metrosexual. Yes, that's it! He is a metrosexual.
Then I remembered our first date nearly a decade ago, which occurred three years after I met him. Yes, it took three years for us to finally have a date....hmmm. I remember primping and dressing in a very sexy mini skirt and orange cami. I shaved everywhere and oiled up my long legs before slipping on my favorite pair of Kenneth Cole pump sandals. I was looking good, smelling better and it showed. I was finally going to be alone with my Mr. Big. After three years of emails and phone calls, hell, I wanted to make sure that I was ready. I wanted to be devoured, ravaged, and swept off my feet. *fans self* Is it getting hot in here?
We had planned to meet early and see where the day took us. So imagine my surprise as I am deliciously waiting in the heart of New York City, otherwise known as Times Square, excitedly anticipating our first rendezvous and Mr. Big comes prancing gleefully in with a guy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he brought along a guy to the date. No, he hadn't told me that his friend would be joining us. No, we never discussed the possibility of one of his friends coming on our FIRST date.
This is a good place to pause for a second: Who does that? What man brings another man on a date where there is only one woman?
His equally good-looking Greek (as in the country not a fraternity) friend went everywhere with us from the beginning until the night's end. Not to mention, they took me to some club where the doorman was in drag. Not RuPaul drag, but drag nonetheless.
Now, fast forward 10 years and who do I see arm-and-arm with Mr. Big in a photo taken at a 2008 BBQ at Mr. Big's place? Yup, you guessed it. Apparently, the also in his late 30s good-looking Greek, "Mr. Date Crasher," is 'damn near married' according to Mr. Big.
But nothing, and I do mean nothing, proved my point better than the man himself. In the final stretch of my rekindling a flickering hopeless flame (I am not being facetious in saying flame, by the way), Mr. Big became unresponsive to communication. The tear the sheets off the bed, wall climbing, toe-curling sex he promised: Uhm, that's it? Sweet nothings we women love to hear: nothing. How ya doing?: nothing. What are you doing?: nothing. It wasn't until I hit the nail on the head. You are 100-percent gay!: Booyah. My phone lit up like the Rockfeller Center Christmas Tree during the first week of December.
Not only did he respond, he called. And when I hung up, he called back. And when I didn't answer, he sent me four texts that used the maximum capacity of characters each. I am sure his fingers were in a flurry typing those messages on his tiny iPhone. All of this from the same man who said he never had time to text.
And, it was what he didn't say that was heard the loudest. Mr. Big had all sorts of names and adjectives for me, but in all his typing he never questioned how I came to that conclusion, or that I was wrong, or that he wasn't gay. It wasn't until I pointed out that he didn't deny it that he denied it while leveling all manner of insults. Well, tell me how you really feel, girlfriend. *snaps fingers*
Finally, he signed off: P.S. I guess you are gay too...
For Mr. Big to even say that is so totally gay.
This is a twist that me in all my fabulousness didn't see coming. It was one of those associations where someone's behavior never matched what they said. I think everyone has experienced that and usually you find it's because that person is into someone else. All's fair in love and dating, right?
The whole thing started when my good friend, Terrance Dean, who coincidentally authored Hiding in Hip Hop, an expose about the downlow life wrapped in the hyper masculinity of the rap world, called me. We were talking about someone he knows who is in his late 40s, attractive, well educated with a good job who stays single. Never been married, and has no kids. Nothing. He routinely explained away his status by stating he was picky when it came to women. Turns out he's gay.
That piqued my interest because it was a refrain I'd heard before from my Mr. Big. Now, for those of you who know me, and those who don't, I love tall men. I mean I am a runway model-type myself, so it's only befitting that I date someone who is taller. Mr. Big is above average height, very attractive, with his own house, car, a top position, and no kids. Surely these are all the trappings to make a good husband, so he has a right to be picky. And clearly, the same soon-to-be 38-year-old, Caribbean man who can't find one woman to be in a relationship with in the whole Tri-State Area where the ratio of men to women favors men is the textbook definition of picky. Terrance countered that no man who actually wants a woman is THAT picky. *chuckle*
I sat in the reclined chair and played everything back. Could Terrance be right? I mean, can my Mr. Big possibly, maybe, somehow be gay?
There were a lot of small things. Mr. Big's personally designed house is fly and meticulously decorated the same way. His clothes are fly. His nails are immaculate. I am talking about better than mine immaculate. His life is compartmentalized. Everything and everyone has their place and none of the two shall meet. He is always with a guy or going to meet a guy. He has face soap and shower puffs and girly hair cream. All of those facts added up to put him in the suspect but not flaming category. Maybe Mr. Big is metrosexual. Yes, that's it! He is a metrosexual.
Then I remembered our first date nearly a decade ago, which occurred three years after I met him. Yes, it took three years for us to finally have a date....hmmm. I remember primping and dressing in a very sexy mini skirt and orange cami. I shaved everywhere and oiled up my long legs before slipping on my favorite pair of Kenneth Cole pump sandals. I was looking good, smelling better and it showed. I was finally going to be alone with my Mr. Big. After three years of emails and phone calls, hell, I wanted to make sure that I was ready. I wanted to be devoured, ravaged, and swept off my feet. *fans self* Is it getting hot in here?
We had planned to meet early and see where the day took us. So imagine my surprise as I am deliciously waiting in the heart of New York City, otherwise known as Times Square, excitedly anticipating our first rendezvous and Mr. Big comes prancing gleefully in with a guy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he brought along a guy to the date. No, he hadn't told me that his friend would be joining us. No, we never discussed the possibility of one of his friends coming on our FIRST date.
This is a good place to pause for a second: Who does that? What man brings another man on a date where there is only one woman?
His equally good-looking Greek (as in the country not a fraternity) friend went everywhere with us from the beginning until the night's end. Not to mention, they took me to some club where the doorman was in drag. Not RuPaul drag, but drag nonetheless.
Now, fast forward 10 years and who do I see arm-and-arm with Mr. Big in a photo taken at a 2008 BBQ at Mr. Big's place? Yup, you guessed it. Apparently, the also in his late 30s good-looking Greek, "Mr. Date Crasher," is 'damn near married' according to Mr. Big.
But nothing, and I do mean nothing, proved my point better than the man himself. In the final stretch of my rekindling a flickering hopeless flame (I am not being facetious in saying flame, by the way), Mr. Big became unresponsive to communication. The tear the sheets off the bed, wall climbing, toe-curling sex he promised: Uhm, that's it? Sweet nothings we women love to hear: nothing. How ya doing?: nothing. What are you doing?: nothing. It wasn't until I hit the nail on the head. You are 100-percent gay!: Booyah. My phone lit up like the Rockfeller Center Christmas Tree during the first week of December.
Not only did he respond, he called. And when I hung up, he called back. And when I didn't answer, he sent me four texts that used the maximum capacity of characters each. I am sure his fingers were in a flurry typing those messages on his tiny iPhone. All of this from the same man who said he never had time to text.
And, it was what he didn't say that was heard the loudest. Mr. Big had all sorts of names and adjectives for me, but in all his typing he never questioned how I came to that conclusion, or that I was wrong, or that he wasn't gay. It wasn't until I pointed out that he didn't deny it that he denied it while leveling all manner of insults. Well, tell me how you really feel, girlfriend. *snaps fingers*
Finally, he signed off: P.S. I guess you are gay too...
For Mr. Big to even say that is so totally gay.
wow, that's deep.
But, not to be too unsympathetic, but any guy who explicitly says "this is a date" (I mean, actually uses the word "date" when referring to an evening out with you), promises earth shattering sex, and THEN brings another man along?!?!
I'm sorry, Lois, that was more than a hint.
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Don't worry, it's not sympathy I'm after. But from a woman's perspective, it was really the last thing I ever imagined about this particular guy. He seemed totally hetero. And, well, I thought maybe he wanted his friend to check me out.
However, I did feel jilted when at Soho Grand there was a love seat and two armchairs...I sat in the loveseat...the Date Crasher sat in an armchair and Mr. Big? Well, he sat in the other armchair closest to Date Crasher and farthest from me.
I did give up on him. LOL. He found me in 2007, for what, I'm unsure.
Thanks for chiming in, DAY!
LL
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Sorry to hear this Lois, what a let down that had to be as well as a rather huge shock. But some people are just able to hide this side of themself from others with uncanny ease. But what I don't understand it why, if he is gay he led you on so long. You'd think he'd have said somethign long before or you'd have caught on sooner and called him on it. But I suppose it's a good thing it didn't get too deeply serious where your health could have been comprimised. And for him to go on a tirade in his text to you, which he says he has no time for, to call 'you' names and then insult you by calling 'you' gay as well as all the colorful words he used in describing you, such a complete looser. Again, I am sorry you had to get taken by someone like that and hopefully after you have recovered from this one and are fully healed and over it you'll do better the next time. I wish you luck sweetie and take care.
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Hey Bob!
I must admit I was totally naive but we should remember when I met him E. Lynn Harris' themes were the work of fiction. This is before the DownLow phenomenon became mainstream, so I didn't look at him like that. Looking back and through the prism of knowledge about this secret lifestyle it's obvious.
Women rationalize downlow behavior in all sorts of ways. I remember when my friend got married in Hawaii and I had to go and wasn't going without a date. I invited Mr. Big to come along on this all expenses paid trip and he declined. I remember thinking, 'he just doesn't like me.' But I didn't connect it with the idea that no heterosexual male would turn down a free trip to paradise. Knowing what I know now, it's obvious and feel like a dunce. But -ha, ha- lesson finally learned.
And although, I did still like him, it wasn't so heated where I feel brokenhearted. I'm angry because he's a liar and, yes, could have put my life in jeopardy but that's a completely different set of emotions. I'm hoping some other females read this and because of what I've been through avoid this scenario themselves.
Thanks for reading,
LL
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First reading your blog I was going to say he's just not into you; but reading forward, oh girl, your gaydar needs some fine tuning. He peeking through the closet door. As you mentioned he is from the islands where being gay is a death sentence. I guess he dates women to keep his family at bay regarding his sex life. I say consider yourself lucky. Remember HIV is the metro sexual gift that keeps on giving....
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That's how I felt too. He just didn't like me. I even told Terrance that...and it's true, he doesn't but the reason why is what's in question. Yeah, I must say where he was concerned my gaydar was broken. Now, everyone I date will have to meet Terrance or one of my other gay friends before I even decide if it's something I want to pursue.
He said he felt sorry for me and listed a host of reasons why but, at least, I have the courage to be me.
Thanks for reading,
LL
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I saw this meeting in a couple different ways. I think by Mr. Big bringing Sexy Greek with him on your first date was testing you to see if you were "down" for new things. Bold? Yes, but in some unspoken way, this was Mr.Big's way of saying, this is who I am. If you can deal with Sexy Greek then we can ALL get along. There had to be certain things about that night that were suggestive, right? Maybe the mind blowing sex was never intended for just TWO people. I'm not saying that they just trying to get you involved in a threesome I'm saying Mr. Big wanted the best of both worlds. And if he is as well put together as you he is, then he'd be just that arrogant to think he could have it that way. I know your spidey senses must have been tingling that whole night. These are strange time we are living in and dating isn't getting any easier. It's becoming more of a technical game then being able use your heart. Terms like, what's love got to do with or you can't afford my love. It seems like that where we are headed. No one should to settle for less than what they have achieved for themselves but don't set your standards so high that you might not see the right man passing beneath you. I love reading your stuff chica, I know that you'll get the right one. For Mr. Big and move on to Mr. Real.
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Grant it, there are a couple of other reasons why someone would do that. But it's weird. I didn't get a threesome vibe at all. And after the Hawaii bit, I was just convinced he wasn't into to me. No harm, no foul. But, there are so many other things...LOL.
Z, what are your thoughts on his reaction?
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I don't think he was ready to hear that and especially from you. So like in any situation that is uncomfortable, the defenses go up like a fire wall. It's never what they're doing wrong it what YOU said to make them feel in the wrong. Even though there was nothing wrong in the first place. All he had to do with you was come clean. You know what's up, it's the same as it's ever been, so by trying to flip that situation on you, he felt better about himself.
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"it what YOU said to make them feel in the wrong."
That so describes his tirade about me. He also claimed that I played the victim, which is funny there's nothing further from the truth. He should have come clean. I could have hooked him up with some of my friends. LOL. I'm not a hater.
Thanks for reading, Z.
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I'm curious to see how this plays out with Dude.I keep imagining him getting into some bogus relationship with some other woman and possibly even making a baby with her just to disprove what you have discovered. I'm certain he's thinking and reflecting on whether other people see what you see.
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Nina,
In our last communique, he made it clear that he didn't care what I thought and that I was just sour graping. Also, that he has nothing to prove to me. So whatever he does next, including showing up with a wifey, he's covered because it's not in response to anything I've said or written. It would, however, make it coincidental...and what is that they say about coincidences? More than three and you have a theory, which is how we got here in the first place.
Thanks for reading and your comments on FB! I think I will do a book like that. XD
LL
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Gangstlicious, Homies over Hoes
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For those of you who don't know, that's from an episode of the Adult Swim show, 'Boondocks'. They did a two-parter about gay rappers. In the sequel, Gangstalicious who was caught kissing a man by his chief fan, Riley, comes out with this video:
The episodes are hilarious! Thanks for the levity! LL
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LMAO!!
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Yeah, I know. The voiceover for Gangstalicious is Mos Def. That's even funnier to me.
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WOW girl! Im shocked
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WOW girl! Im speechless.. thats the last thing I would expect. I'm so sorry to hear it. I def gotta holla at you, cause this is BIIIG!
what a mofo!
umm this your lil-BIG adventure makes me think about somethin.. what is worse-when man cheat on his girlfriend (wife) with another woman or with a man??
what do you think Sweetie??
I dont really know (n trust me I'd love to know) what was on his mind. anyway hope he is CONTENT now.. in his own world full of "Greek Date Crashers". LOL. you know what I mean
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Yeah...it's the last thing I expected. Last year, Mr. Big told me he missed getting up with me one night because he spent hours on the phone talking to his boy. He said he was on the phone from the time he got off work until after midnight. Mr. Big's boy was having trouble with his wife. No shit?!? Probably because he was on the phone with him for so long. LOL.
What man talks to another man for 6 hours? BAH! I so didn't get it.
As to your question, cheating is cheating. The only thing about cheating with the opposite sex is men are more likely to wear condoms. Downlow men won't use condoms because it's like admitting they were planning to have sex with whatever anonymous man. So I would have to say because of the increased reckless behavior men on men cheating is worse. Also, the CDC says black women between the ages of 12-35 are contracting the virus at much higher rates than women of other demographics. It attributes the disparity to the downlow phenomenon.
Be glad you're married. This is bull.
Good question...thanks for reading,
LL
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Very nicely written! Entertaining!
Now I have to admit, I got a little funky when it first started. One, I absolutely HATE those dudes that always want to whisper in every woman's ear that they know that so-an-so is gay! And then they give you that woman some circumstantial evidence gossip that is masquerading as truth. That's very not cool...
Two, I'm single, in my 40s, never been married, have no children, kinda picky about the women I've dated, the way I dress and the way I look. Don't really mind being called metrosexual since to me it just means I try to look good. (yes, I sometimes put clear polish on my nails to make my hands look tight when I'm wearing a suit! Seriously! Learned that from a business student back in college)....anyway, I think that's unfair in this hyper-sensitive society that that has to be some red flag.
There is no three.
That said, Mr. Big is SOOO gay!!! Bringing another dude on a date? With a woman in skirt, heels and smooth legs???? WTF??!
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Thanks Add!
I'm not easily led. And Terrance isn't one of those guys preaching that every man above a certain age with no attachments is gay. It wasn't like either of us set out to come to this conclusion, it was just my interaction with him is understood much better through this prism. For instance, I have a friend who turned 40 in December, no kids, never been married. This guy and myself are pretty good friends. However, this guy actually dates women. I have seen him with women. I know of one of his former girlfriends and there's been a couple since that we talked about. When he hangs out with his boys, there's always a female angle or females involved. LOL.
Mr. Big never mentions women. Not even the pretty ones on TV.
Thanks for reading and bringing your perspective to The Blog. It's much appreciated.
LL
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I don't relate to Mr. Big but maybe a Mrs.; http://groups.yahoo.com/group/younglovergirls sign up, drop me a line and lets vibe.
Ms T
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