Cracked Eggland
Posted by LoisLane at Friday, February 29, 2008 6:48 AM and is filed under Misadventures in Cracked Eggland 
It’s not every day I get a gift like the one I received yesterday. While awaiting a translation of a Czech article about the health dangers of Colgate toothpaste (more to come later) I received a couple of emails about my old company.
After penning Ranting Validation, a dear, old friend questioned whether anyone would want to read complaints about my old job. I have much patience for this friend, as he’s worked for the same company for the better part of a decade, likes his job and admires bosses. (He is obviously not in news.) Thus, he is unable to understand what it is like waking up every morning, looking in the mirror, realizing one has to spend at least a third of one’s life around Gannett-trained managers in a Cracked Eggland. For you who also don’t know that's like:
Imagine five different levels of managers who spend several hours in daily meetings, devising ways to demean you, your existence and your craft. They emerge from said meetings determined to set you up for failure with an agreed upon but vague protocol causing their desired level of confusion, which succeeds in hiding their own ineptitude. It’s enough to cause people to stuff themselves full of unnecessary calories by way of sugar and alcohol.
So what gift did I receive? Note to dear, old friend: Not only does my January entry, Ranting Validation, STILL get daily hits, there is an entire Gannett Blog DEDICATED to exposing Gannett evils. Check it out and realize, I’m not sour graping; it’s the company’s mantra to make its employees lives a living hell and they need an outlet.
I was so elated to read the following I didn’t know whether to laugh, to clap, or to send cookies and a few bottles of Hennessy to the entire staff in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Read the latest post below:
I couldn't make this up if I tried. A reliable Gannett Blog tipster says Corporate sent a human resources representative to the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J., yesterday after the Big Cheeses in McLean, Va., got a letter describing a serious state of low morale in the newsroom. OK: We all know newsrooms are hothouses of unhappy journalists, so what could possibly have happened to raise such alarm bells?
In an earlier note, my tipster gives the backstory: "Two months back, it was discovered that someone defecated on the floor of the editorial men's restroom. It went 13 hours before being cleaned up, I might add. 13 hours. The 'evidence' was nowhere near any of the toilets, so one of the operations folks designated it an act of vandalism. . . . The event was christened 'Poopgate.' Fast forward to today when the same thing happened in the editorial women's restroom." ###
BAAAAAAAAH! Ok, I decided to be cheap about it and laugh my ass off! They say, don’t mess with Texas but you better not mess with those Jersey mofos either. My former boss, Detroit-bred EJ Mitchell pissed off them off so badly, they have SHIT, CRAPPED, POOPED, DEFECATED whatever term you fancy in the bathroom but NOT in the toilets. OMF!
After EJ was moved to that paper, I remember emailing a columnist there whom I liked. He asked what to expect and I attempted diplomacy. I’m sorry about that. I should have been straight witcha, but really, is he that bad? The shit says he is.
CRACKED EGG KOOL-AID ADDICTED MITCHELL
Photo courtesy of gannett.com
Well, see here’s the thing: EJ is quite an affable guy when he trades shirt and tie for regular clothes AND puts down Gannett’s special Cracked Egg Kool-Aid. However, being the ambitious guy he is, he learned well from his own mentor, The Tennessean’s reigning Top-Cracked-Egg-in-Charge, Mark Silverman, one righteous asshole. I’ve overstepped my bounds? I think not. I read in The Nashville Scene not too long ago, that this prick THREW a newspaper at an Extremely Gifted Hen, who over the course of her (nearly) 30-year tenure, refuses to drink the Cracked-Egg Kool-Aid other management types attempt to drown her in. Here are his own words on the subject:
CALLOUS NEWSPAPER-THROWING, JANITOR-BERATING SILVERMAN
Photo courtesy of gannett.com
“You’re going to make me out to be a bully,” he tells Desperately. “And I don’t care.”
From the horse's, um, er, not mouth exactly, and since YOU don't care, I will continue. My own confirmation of The Scene's report, indicates the weekly’s version of the event was ‘tame.’ I have said it before, but after this little temper tantrum of Silverman’s, he AGAIN proves me spot on. Thanks, Mikey.
Upon Mikey’s arrival, a prize-winning writer who had the misfortune of previously working with both EJ and Mikey warned Mikey taught EJ his bag of tricks and was worse. I didn’t want to believe it but after my own run-in with that callous, newspaper-throwing, janitor-berating, bastard, I realized he was, indeed, correct.
The news of the whole bit is Gannett’s upper, upper management directly from McLean, Virginia booked flights to inspect what the fuck is going on in little ol’ Cherry Hill. Don’t expect much from these thoroughly addicted cracked eggs. Gannett’s Cracked Egg Kool-Aid is their concoction. They will probably fire poor, deluded, hooked on Cracked-Egg Kool-Aid EJ not for pissing his team off or eroding morale to the point they are shitting everywhere but the toilet, but for not crushing them under his weight resulting in the shit leaking out.
No, these management types, will show up in their Brooks Brothers suits, smelling of expensive hotel shampoo and conditioner, look down their rhinoplastic noses telling the troops, “We hear you and we will fix this.” And that's only because they fear CEO Craig DuBow’s $7 million-a-year bonus will deservedly be lost to a class-action lawsuit. I warn, don’t be fooled, by the Gannettese. They will simply replace EJ (for the second time in his career) with someone who is inconspicuously just as hooked on their brand of Cracked Egg Kool-Aid.
Speaking of lawsuits, the Tennessean Department of Labor encouraged me to file because I pointed out despite Gannett’s token window dressing, many people of color were unfairly treated at The Tennessean: JH, CJ, MR and me.
However, although I have grounds to legally fry a few eggs myself, I like having them on my menu, so much so they now have their own category, "Misadventures in Cracked Eggland." Possessing the freedom to lambast these bastards the second they step out of bounds, which is daily, makes all those mornings I dreaded facing them --and did anyway -- somehow worth it.
After penning Ranting Validation, a dear, old friend questioned whether anyone would want to read complaints about my old job. I have much patience for this friend, as he’s worked for the same company for the better part of a decade, likes his job and admires bosses. (He is obviously not in news.) Thus, he is unable to understand what it is like waking up every morning, looking in the mirror, realizing one has to spend at least a third of one’s life around Gannett-trained managers in a Cracked Eggland. For you who also don’t know that's like:
Imagine five different levels of managers who spend several hours in daily meetings, devising ways to demean you, your existence and your craft. They emerge from said meetings determined to set you up for failure with an agreed upon but vague protocol causing their desired level of confusion, which succeeds in hiding their own ineptitude. It’s enough to cause people to stuff themselves full of unnecessary calories by way of sugar and alcohol.
So what gift did I receive? Note to dear, old friend: Not only does my January entry, Ranting Validation, STILL get daily hits, there is an entire Gannett Blog DEDICATED to exposing Gannett evils. Check it out and realize, I’m not sour graping; it’s the company’s mantra to make its employees lives a living hell and they need an outlet.
I was so elated to read the following I didn’t know whether to laugh, to clap, or to send cookies and a few bottles of Hennessy to the entire staff in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Read the latest post below:
I couldn't make this up if I tried. A reliable Gannett Blog tipster says Corporate sent a human resources representative to the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J., yesterday after the Big Cheeses in McLean, Va., got a letter describing a serious state of low morale in the newsroom. OK: We all know newsrooms are hothouses of unhappy journalists, so what could possibly have happened to raise such alarm bells?
In an earlier note, my tipster gives the backstory: "Two months back, it was discovered that someone defecated on the floor of the editorial men's restroom. It went 13 hours before being cleaned up, I might add. 13 hours. The 'evidence' was nowhere near any of the toilets, so one of the operations folks designated it an act of vandalism. . . . The event was christened 'Poopgate.' Fast forward to today when the same thing happened in the editorial women's restroom." ###
BAAAAAAAAH! Ok, I decided to be cheap about it and laugh my ass off! They say, don’t mess with Texas but you better not mess with those Jersey mofos either. My former boss, Detroit-bred EJ Mitchell pissed off them off so badly, they have SHIT, CRAPPED, POOPED, DEFECATED whatever term you fancy in the bathroom but NOT in the toilets. OMF!
After EJ was moved to that paper, I remember emailing a columnist there whom I liked. He asked what to expect and I attempted diplomacy. I’m sorry about that. I should have been straight witcha, but really, is he that bad? The shit says he is.
CRACKED EGG KOOL-AID ADDICTED MITCHELL
Photo courtesy of gannett.com
Well, see here’s the thing: EJ is quite an affable guy when he trades shirt and tie for regular clothes AND puts down Gannett’s special Cracked Egg Kool-Aid. However, being the ambitious guy he is, he learned well from his own mentor, The Tennessean’s reigning Top-Cracked-Egg-in-Charge, Mark Silverman, one righteous asshole. I’ve overstepped my bounds? I think not. I read in The Nashville Scene not too long ago, that this prick THREW a newspaper at an Extremely Gifted Hen, who over the course of her (nearly) 30-year tenure, refuses to drink the Cracked-Egg Kool-Aid other management types attempt to drown her in. Here are his own words on the subject:
CALLOUS NEWSPAPER-THROWING, JANITOR-BERATING SILVERMAN
Photo courtesy of gannett.com
“You’re going to make me out to be a bully,” he tells Desperately. “And I don’t care.”
From the horse's, um, er, not mouth exactly, and since YOU don't care, I will continue. My own confirmation of The Scene's report, indicates the weekly’s version of the event was ‘tame.’ I have said it before, but after this little temper tantrum of Silverman’s, he AGAIN proves me spot on. Thanks, Mikey.
Upon Mikey’s arrival, a prize-winning writer who had the misfortune of previously working with both EJ and Mikey warned Mikey taught EJ his bag of tricks and was worse. I didn’t want to believe it but after my own run-in with that callous, newspaper-throwing, janitor-berating, bastard, I realized he was, indeed, correct.
The news of the whole bit is Gannett’s upper, upper management directly from McLean, Virginia booked flights to inspect what the fuck is going on in little ol’ Cherry Hill. Don’t expect much from these thoroughly addicted cracked eggs. Gannett’s Cracked Egg Kool-Aid is their concoction. They will probably fire poor, deluded, hooked on Cracked-Egg Kool-Aid EJ not for pissing his team off or eroding morale to the point they are shitting everywhere but the toilet, but for not crushing them under his weight resulting in the shit leaking out.
No, these management types, will show up in their Brooks Brothers suits, smelling of expensive hotel shampoo and conditioner, look down their rhinoplastic noses telling the troops, “We hear you and we will fix this.” And that's only because they fear CEO Craig DuBow’s $7 million-a-year bonus will deservedly be lost to a class-action lawsuit. I warn, don’t be fooled, by the Gannettese. They will simply replace EJ (for the second time in his career) with someone who is inconspicuously just as hooked on their brand of Cracked Egg Kool-Aid.
Speaking of lawsuits, the Tennessean Department of Labor encouraged me to file because I pointed out despite Gannett’s token window dressing, many people of color were unfairly treated at The Tennessean: JH, CJ, MR and me.
However, although I have grounds to legally fry a few eggs myself, I like having them on my menu, so much so they now have their own category, "Misadventures in Cracked Eggland." Possessing the freedom to lambast these bastards the second they step out of bounds, which is daily, makes all those mornings I dreaded facing them --and did anyway -- somehow worth it.
Nancy sent me the Scene article the other day, but it didn't have that quote from Silverman in it (or I didn't see it anyway).
I was outraged when I saw that he threw a paper at that wonderful "hen." She shouldn't take crap like that. If she walked out of that paper, then they'd really be up the creek -- shit's creek, as it were, it seems.
It amazes me that such nonsense can go on, essentially unchecked. And I want to know who put the poop where they put it. I mean... there had to be some OTHER way to get the point across! Or, shit, maybe not!
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Hey Joy,
The quote was in the copy towards the bottom of the piece. But his words are meaningless, which is probably why it escaped your purview. That's a good point you raise that it went unchecked. Loony Hen publisher continually exhibits worst of all cracked egg habits as she did not come to aid of fellow hen. And, who the fuck does he think he is? First of all, he is supposed to be a leader and good leaders don't abuse their subordinates. Well, question asked and answered: He is obvious anything but a good leader. Extremely Gifted Hen is what all of 5'2" or something like that? I wish that mofo would have tried some BS like that with me. My 6'0' Hen self would have gotten right up in swarmy face before they escorted me from building. AND another thing, what kind of person ARE you that you berate janitor (more subordinates) for doing said job. RIGHTEOUS PRICK!!!! And he is example of Gannett's best. Fucking sell-off shares and close the doors now!
After my laughter subsided because it eventually did, I was alarmed by the shitty scenario. I mean, what the hell did EJ do to cause ADULTS to squat and dump outside of toilet. And think about it, it took two to do it: one to leave load and another to lookout. So there was both premediation and more than one who took leave of senses. Some of the copy suggests it's because they are working overtime without being paid for it but as this grows more common under Reigning Cracked Egg Supreme's administration, I doubt if that's the sole reason.
It just goes to show, they are more gentile in the good ol' American South. Silverman is running amuck around the office while everyone continues to use lavatories correctly or as havens to shed tears. I bet if EJ pulled a Silverman in Jersey, those mofos would bring it to blows.
Thanks for coming by. Btw, do you think we've used up our life's luck by leaving that place behind? Sheesh, I hope not. I have long life to live.
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Wow. Wow. Wow. This is really crazy. I'm just catching up with the readings (blogs and articles, etc.). I was extremely upset when I heard that he hurled a newspaper at Mother Hen. Yeah, I get the lingo now and think your brilliant for concocting it. But back to the subject, that really bothered me. I know if I would have been present and saw said act, I would have no choice but to speak up and react. We were blessed to get out of that place before all this shit hit the fan. And as for EJ, all I can do is laugh. Absolutely ridiculous. I am going to hold my tongue, although there's so much I want to say. Kudos Loislane. Miss ya man.
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Ah CJ, you have always been one to hold tongue only to speak up when coming to the aid of others. Loony Hen take a cue, it's time to bring out that whip I know you possess. You are actually, rather LATE. I think Top Cracked Egg in Charge should be counting his lucky stars he did not pull that shit (BAAAH!) in front of, or do that to, either you or me. We might not be from Jersey but we don't take shit either. (BAAAH! again) Speaking of which, EJ! ha-HAHAHA! I'm laughing right with you. Knowing what we know about him, makes this scenario even funnier. I mean, by the time this is all said and done, his name will be synonymous with, well, er, crap. Newspaper content notwithstanding. LMAO.
As for brilliance, I think there are some cracked eggs and a loony hen who might disagree. As a matter of fact, I know one rotten, disillusioned egg (the first egg in this whole egg bit) who thinks my writing puerile. Has anyone read his? What a pot-calling kettle. But anyway, as I binned him in most conspicuous fashion and outted these Gannett cracked eggs in same manner, what the hell else can they say? But to you, I give my humble thanks. And by the by, it's such a shitty good time!! Ok, that one was actually -- SHIT.
Welcome back, CJ. Missed you too.
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